I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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