Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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