First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
