i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm too high and old for this...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
