Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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