either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
