I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
