Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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