if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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