i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
