im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
