Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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