We won't sleep together?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
