i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
