I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
