My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
