Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
