going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
