I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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