just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
