I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
