Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
