I got chris browned last night
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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