i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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