It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
