Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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