im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
