everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
