He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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