I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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