Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
