apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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