I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize