On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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