You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize