my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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