Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
