I want to stick my p in your. b.
Soap is not a condiment
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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