he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
