I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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