i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize