Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
