my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize