I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize