True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
