dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
