my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
