just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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