Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
