soooo we both peed the bed last night...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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