Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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