i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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