she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
