I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
