I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
