Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
