so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
