when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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