woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
