I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize