My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
